Gore Vidal’s Death: What You Need To Pretend To Know

Gore Vidal, shown here glued to a bannister.
photo:reuters

The passing of Gore Vidal is no doubt a tragic blow to the intellectual fabric of America that is in no way reflected through social media. However, whenever a famous, well-respected smart person dies whose name we know but whose work we are unfamiliar with, it is only natural to experience anxiety when confronted with the myriad of Facebook threads bearing his or her name that loom upon your timeline. Gore Vidal, being required reading at many degree-selling institutions, will no doubt be trending long after his body has cooled. Here are some helpful hints to avoiding any Romney-goes-to-London sized gaffes.

-Terms that should in no way be associated with Gore Vidal: Florida, shampoo, manbearpig, Sassoon.

-Gore Vidal did NOT once say "Just when you think you know the answers, I change the questions." That was WWE Legend "Rowdy" Roddy Piper.

-Vidal also did not run out of bubblegum moments before announcing he was here "to kick ass and chew bubblegum."

-He did it before saying he was here "to bang Jack Kerouac and chew bubblegum."

-In 1993, Vidal won the National Book Award for "United States: Essays 1952-1992," not the National Book Critics Circle Award. He won that in 1983 for "The Second American Revolution and Other Essays." So if you say "I was waiting on line for Pelican Brief tickets when I heard he won the National Book Critics Circle Award," you will look like a big, stupid turd.

-Vidal said "Love is not my bag." He did NOT write "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort Of Thing Is My Bag, Baby." That book's author was Austin Powers.

-Gore Vidal eschewed labels such as "gay" and "straight." He believed all humans were inherently bi-sexual. Especially after Jaeger shots.

-Vidal's controversial 1945 novel "The City And The Pillar," about a young man coming to terms with his homosexuality, was originally published as science fiction due to widespread belief that homosexuals were imaginary.

-Gore Vidal said "every time a friend succeeds I die a little." As of press time, there is no word on which particular friend killed Vidal on Wednesday.

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