Marvel Comics Creator Lets You Write The Most Boring Stories On Earth

In a press release, Marvel announced the launch of its new Create Your Own platform. The platform allows fans to create their own original comic strips using Marvel characters as well as stock background illustrations. “Your Own Marvel Universe!” the tagline triumphantly proclaims.

Details are “coming soon,” and fans can’t yet access the platform. While the news might seem exciting on the surface, fans are in for a trick, not a treat: the terms and conditions have a lengthy, lengthy, lengthy list of no-nos. The list is a page long, and here are some of the highlights:

marvel create your own comics
Create Your Own comics app, coming soon from Marvel. Photo: (c) Marvel

  • Contraceptives

  • Depictions of alcohol (hard liquor, beer, wine, etc.), tobacco (cigars, cigarettes,

etc.), or drugs (marijuana, etc.)

  • Suggestive or revealing images (bare midriffs, legs, etc.)

  • Sensationalism (killer bees, gossip, aliens, scandal, etc.)

  • Obscenity, bad or offensive language, proxies for bad or offensive language

(X@#%!), body parts, or noises related to bodily functions

  • Politics (lobbyists, PAC sites, political campaigns, alternative lifestyle

advocacies)

  • Death

  • Discrimination based on race, sex, religion, nationality, disability, sexual

orientation, or age

  • Other controversial topics (social issues, etc.)

  • A copy or parody of current or past Marvel advertising creative (from any media

form)

  • Amusement parks (other than Disney amusement parks)

  • Movie studios (other than studios affiliated with Marvel)

  • Animated movies (other than Marvel or Disney movies)

  • Guns (firearms, bullets, etc.)

Sweet fucking Mother Mary. So nothing scandalous can happen, no one can curse, fart, squoosh or gush, no one can die, you can’t have “alternative lifestyle advocacies” or discriminate based on sexual orientation, you can’t discuss “social issues” and the only entity that exists must be a Marvel or Disney entity. Also no guns. So what can you do?

Apparently, make money for Marvel, which lays claim to:

The perpetual, irrevocable, exclusive, royalty-free and fully transferable and sub-licensable right, for the full term of copyright protection available (including renewal terms), to use, reproduce, transmit, communicate to the public, print, publish, publicly display, publicly perform, exhibit, distribute, redistribute, license, sub-license, copy, index, comment upon, modify, adapt, translate, create derivative works based upon, make available, and otherwise exploit.

Oh my fucking god. I’m not being alarmist, it’s just the sheer number of synonyms meant to address all current and future methods of propagating content that are doing my head in. P.S., “perpetual” means forever, “irrevocable” means you can’t get your rights back, “exclusive” means Marvel owns your ass forever, “royalty-free” means you get no dolla, and “fully transferable and sub-licensable” means they get to finagle as many ways to make more dolla off your back as possible.

in whole or in part, in all languages, anywhere in the world, by all means, methods, processes, and media formats and channels now known or hereafter devised, in any number of copies and without limit as to time, manner or frequency of use

Did Ursula from The Little Mermaid write this clause?

without further notice to you, with or without attribution, and without the requirement of permission from or payment to you or any other person or entity, such User-Submitted Content (including, without limitation, any and all original elements of such User-Submitted Content and any and all works utilizing such User-Submitted Content and/or such elements thereof) for any purpose that the Tap Tap/Marvel Parties may see fit in their sole discretion, including, without limitation, in conjunction with advertisements, promotions, marketing activities, and/or any other commercial activities, effective as of the earliest date such User Submitted Content exists within the Service.

“We don’t have to tell you anything, we don’t have to say you made anything, we don’t have to pay you, God or anybody, we can use all your original content for whatever the fuck we want the second your bland pablum hits our platform, also, fuck you.”

Honestly? Ew. Marvel’s been losing major points lately - first for cancelling a bunch of diverse books featuring or written by women, people of color or LGBTQ+ people, then blaming the readers for it, but only after blaming diversity for their falling sales in the first place. Pick a racist, homophobic, misogynistic tack and stick to your guns, Marvel.

Their new editor-in-chief, C. B. Cebulski, is an ascended weeb who wrote comics under a Japanese pen name, isn’t really sorry about it and doesn’t really see what the issue could be.

“I stopped writing under the pseudonym Akira Yoshida after about a year,” Cebulski said in a statement to Bleeding Cool. “It wasn’t transparent, but it taught me a lot about writing, communication and pressure. I was young and naïve and had a lot to learn back then. But this is all old news that has been dealt with, and now as Marvel’s new editor-in-chief, I’m turning a new page and am excited to start sharing all my Marvel experiences with up and coming talent around the globe.”

The guy who faked being Japanese and writing comics about Asian topics from a Japanese point-of-view, by the way, was the VP of International Brand Management for more than five years. That meant he was responsible for recruiting non-American artists and writers. Or just changing his name and pretending to be them. Ho ho ho!

And we mustn’t forget Secret Empire, which was edgy garbage reviled almost universally by fans. Is this yet another nail in the coffin for Marvel? Or will their empire of endless, overstuffed movies see them through this blip in the radar? I don’t know, but if their end comes sooner rather than later, may it be with midriff-baring, contraceptive-toting, gay killer bees.

 

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