I Want This Final Fantasy ® Leather Plush Moogle

8.5
  • Playstation 4
  • Xbox One
  • Action
  • RPG
2016-11-29
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This is the Final Fantasy® leather plush moogle I desperately want. (c) Square Enix

When I saw this tweet from Square Enix’s official North American merchandise Twitter (because of course Square Enix has an official, verified North American merchandise Twitter), I instantly lost my shit:

It’s a Moogle. It’s just a plush toy Moogle. Just a toy Moogle, I whispered to myself. Nobody needs toys, right?

But here’s the gag: you don’t find plush toy Moogles lying around just any old Toys ‘R’ Us. You have to go into specialty stores just to find PlayArts Kai collectible figures of any quality. Even Amiibos go through waves of rarity and scarcity, and Nendoroids? Forget about it. Even Disney Tsum Tsum toys aren’t widely available, and Disney is super mainstream while Tsum Tsum toys are wildly adorable, so you’d think toy stores are bursting at the seams with them.

By comparison, Square Enix is super niche. And that niche isn’t very widely available in the States, even for me, living as I do in one of the world’s great urban centers.

So: it’s a plush toy Moogle. Its dimensions are W7" X D4.7" X H9.5", and do you know what that makes this figure? Very cuddly . Perfectly suited to sit in your lap and get hugged while you watch the Kingsglaive movie or try convince yourself you’re only watching Advent Children for the soundtrack or light a candle for poor dead Aerith/s.

Those colors: so classic. The little pink orb bobbing above its head! Its little pink nose! The precious purple wings, kupo! The soft golden suede of its precious little feet and little inner ears look so soft, so tactile, so pleasing! Even its face is darling.

But then things start to get stupid, because this cuddly, lovable plush is a collector’s item. In fact, it’s a “high end collectible,” according to the Square Enix store. This isn’t for some toddler to lovingly drool on or some pre-teen to set up in an altar below a Sephiroth wall scroll: it’s for the discerning adult collector, and by discerning, I mean it’s $119.99.

A plush toy! $119.99! But wait, there’s more: it’s made of 100% real leather. At least one cow died for this, probably in horrifying conditions because let’s face it: “raising and slaughtering the billions of animals whose skins feed the leather supply chain each year is inefficient, cruel and comes with huge environmental impact.” Several cows, in fact, probably died to make this adorable, lovable plush toy Moogle, invisibly stained with the blood of animal slaughter. It’s the luxury of that slaughter that helps push the price of this toy Moogle up to $119.99. 

But on top of the price… on top of the materials… this Moogle is limited to only 777 units in North America. We all know 7’s and Moogles have a special relationship , but the point is, this Moogle is a highly limited collectible  denoted by “a unique serial number emblazoned on its foot, readily visible when displayed in a seated position.” The plush has hinges in its arm and leg joints and comes in “a sturdy white box with gold embossed lettering,” perfect for living a display life in a box.

So even though it’s adorable … even though it’s cuddly … even though it’s lovable … even though it is a very cute piece of Final Fantasy memorabilia, “a beloved staple creature of the FINAL FANTASY series across many of its titles throughout its thirty year history,” this Final Fantasy ® leather plush Moogle is destined for a life that would make the Toy Story characters tear up at the sterile futility of it all.

It’s not even available yet: the store listing is for a pre-order, so even laying down $119.99 plus tax and shipping won’t give you the satisfaction of owning the little fella.

I want this limited, exclusive, 100 percent real leather plush Moogle in an embossed box. I want to throw away the box and cuddle this stupidly cute Moogle until its stupidly expensive stuffing threatens to break through its stupid suede stitches. This appeals to the part of me that loves Final Fantasy , the part of me that loves collectibles, the part of me that loves plush toys and the part of me that’s a sucker for expensive bullshit I don’t need.

God help me, I want this Final Fantasy ® leather plush Moogle. But plushes are for cuddles, not displays, and $119.99 is meant to feed me and pay my bills, not slake a thirst for J-RPG nostalgia. Or at least, so I’ll keep telling myself.

 

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