So here we are, at the tail end of the last summer movie season of 2017 before you and everyone you know gets consumed by nuclear fire (probably). Did you have fun? Autobots killed Hitler, chimps rode horses, Amy Schumer and Hollywood legend Goldie Hawn farted at each other for two hours, Spider-Man fought a green weirdo … again, and sentient fucking emojis! Cup. Runneth. Over. Do your worst Kim Jong Un, Baywatch is back! We got washed up booze hound Johnny Depp returning as washed up booze hound Captain Jack Sparrow the same summer as The Book of Henry, a film about a dead kid that becomes a ghost detective or something.
Fan of Arthurian Legends? Well fuck you, King Arthur: Legend of The Sword is all the goodness of gangster filmmaker Guy Ritchie, but set in medieval times … sorta, cause shut up nerds. REMEMBER The Mummy, stupid? Reboot time. Universal kickstarted its Dark Universe with The Mummy, a film about a fifty-year-old man that has to save the world from the evils of Xenu. Russell Crowe stars as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, because references.
It’s the summer of 2017 and your favorite films are back! Despicable Me 3 … uhm yes please. Minions! I love those little shits because they remind me of Xanax, I mean, what it’s like to be a little kid again. Don’t forget about Cars 3, the sequel to Cars 2, which is a sequel to the Pixar movie EVERYONE hates. My nephew’s first words were: “Fuck Disney and their thinly veiled attempt to hock their plastic garbage at me.”
And were you one of the six morons that was dying to know where the alien from the 1979 film Alien came from? Enter Alien: Covenant, a film made for you and literally no one else.
How about those summer comedies? Like The House, a film about people that adlib horribly for too long. ROUGH NIGHT ?! Where ma’ ladies at?! Finally, women have a middle-of-the-road hackneyed comedy they can call their own. Ah HA! Ghost in the Shell straight up merc'd that stripper! All Eyez On Me made us revel in the fact the Tupac Shakur is dead (or is he?)
Oh Shit. Revered Director Luc Besson returns with the long anticipated Valerian and The City of a Thousand Awful Alien Designs. Besson funded the film himself and made a whopping $17 dollars. We don’t want your FRENCH trash loser! Movie'd out yet dweebs? Well, have another 40-liter coke cause The Dark Tower has arrived! What’s that? You found the source novels to be long and convoluted and had zero interest in seeing the screenwriter that wrote The Amazing Spider-Man 2 take a swing it at? Welp, your loss boners, the thirteen minutes I was awake for kicked all kinds of ass.
Girl’s Trip was solid tho.
Here’s to making it to next summer. I hear Brett Ratner’s rebooting the Zapruder film.
