HBO’s Game of Thrones has hit the news again, for the umpty-billionth time, with the not-so-astonishing revelation that HBO is going to plumb this well for spin-offs until it goes so dry and cracked no water emerges there for a thousand years.
In short, HBO has deals with four writers to “explore different time periods of George R.R. Martin’s vast and rich universe,” according to The New York Times. That’s right, HBO has no plans to stop shaking this money tree anytime soon. And why should they? Game of Thrones is by far its most popular show, has won the Emmy for Best Drama the past two years and is a prime driver of subscriptions for both digital and cable viewers.
The writers HBO has on tap include Max Borenstein (Kong: Skull Island), Jane Goldman (Kingsman: The Golden Circle), Brian Helgeland (Legend) and Carly Wray (Mad Men, The Leftovers). Of those four, only Goldman and Wray will be working individually with author George R. R. Martin, leaving me to wonder why Borenstein and Helgeland get left out. Maybe their schedules just didn’t line up?
Either way, the spinoff writers are a talented and creative crew, but HBO isn’t committing firmly to anything; these scripts are strictly (scriptly?) speculation. (Say that five times fast.) So in the spirit of goodwill and fellow feeling towards fellow writers, I thought I’d jump in with a few suggestions for fresh takes on the world of Westeros. You listening, HBO? Here we go.
Westerosi Babies
Featuring all the characters you’ve grown to love, but in improbable toddler form, everyone’s on an equal playing field and everyone gets to wear a diaper now.
Baby Ramsay Bolton can chirp “I wanna flay!” and be adorably misheard as wanting to play. Baby Cersei and Jaime can be kept on separate planets. Baby Tywin Lannister has a big problem with not wanting to potty by himself!
They’re all supervised by Nanny Ned Stark, whose face we never see because it’s cut off from the neck up. Snerk.
Daenerys, Fix My Life
The great Lords and Ladies of Westeros have got some fucked-up lives. Who better to come in than Daenerys, who can apply her no-nonsense, all-dragon approach to the problems facing the Westerosi elite?
Petyr Baelish: lost his old love, creeping on a new love, needs to get a grip on his own creepiness. Solution? Straight talk punctuated by dragon fire. Ned Stark: Trying to be a nice guy and follow his own morals while dealing with a nest of lunacy and selfishness. Solution? Ex the morals, apply more fire. Ygritte, in love with some know-nothing Night’s Watch guy. Solution? Wring all the sex you can out of him, then set him on fire. You’re welcome.
Real Housewives of Westeros
It’s not a proper spin-off if you’re not calling back to one of the most iconic franchises in reality TV history. What do all those housewives of Westeros do as their husbands kill, scheme, slay and murder their way across the country? What about those housewives who really get their back into the family business and team up with hubby for some Eat, Pray, Kill action? Are knives appropriate to have at hand during a reunion episode?
Bonus points for Arya Stark infiltrating these houses with one of her many Faces on, lurking, waiting, and serving delicious pies.
Paternity Court Westeros
Put paid to the R+L=J nonsense forever by presenting the entire A Song of Fire and Ice series to the judge, waiting a year for the judge to read them, and then putting these dead bodies through a paternity test. Yes, R+L=J. Paternity Court proves it. Definitely. Forever and ever until the end of time. Nobody ever needs to discuss the theory again. It’s all very simple now.
What do you think? What spin-off ideas could HBO really use for Game of Thrones? Feel free to let us know in the comments section below.
