DC Films Needs To Stop Making Hero Movies For Adults

  • Superhero
Do you bleed? Warner Bros.

Today marks the last day I write about Justice League. In any context. That means all the characters that make up its perpetually changing roster, the actors that have portrayed them over the years, cartoons, comics, porn parodies—I’m done with all of it. The months leading up to, and the eventful postmortem of the live-action debut, has been something of a dream come true for the unimaginative bloggers, what with news of Affleck’s alcoholism, the tragic passing of Snyder’s daughter and Joss Whedon’s rumored infidelity that had set the stage for an exhausting assembly of listicles, think pieces, and the rise of arm-chair directors.

Record all the vlogs with the red circles you want, analyze till you're blue in your four-eyed face, but Warner Bros.’ shared universe sucks because they’re writing with you in mind.

Nothing exemplifies the adult appropriation of children’s properties like the backlash against the porgs—you know the adorable penguinely looking things that debuted in The Last Jedi trailer.

What’d you want to see in the trailer? An alien that looked like Omar from the Wire? Star Wars is for children. All this shit is for kids; that’s important to remember. And that’s the biggest thing that demarcates Marvel and DC’s approach. 30-year-old Fanboys want to feel justified in putting so much stock in juvenile drivel and Warner Bros. enables them. “There-there, no, Batman is for big boys. Look he just stepped on that goon’s nuts and called him a fuckhead. No, Superman isn’t for little kids. Ooh political intrigue and red tape.”

That isn’t to say the medium can’t say things, or can’t be about important things, or even that they shouldn't ever try. Remember the tarmac scene in Captain America: Civil War? Remember how it reminded you of the days when you would get all your action figures together and just smash them into each other? Compare that to the scene when Batman and Superman first meet in Dawn Of Justice.

Do you bleed? Jesus Christ. The first thing Batman says to Superman on the silver screen is “Do you bleed?” Stop catering to adults internally embarrassed to still be fans and start catering to idiots like me that just want to go to the movies to feel like a little kid again. I don’t need you to remind me that I’m an adult, DC. I got rent, a bad back and shitty health insurance to remind me of that.

Stop writing this goofy schlock for adults. Superheroes are for kids and that’s OK, dammit.

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