In Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn, the sentient races of Eorzea share their land with equally sentient beast tribes, whose notable qualities include summoning primal gods to wreak havoc, strange speech quirks and alien cultures. Each beast tribe also has a faction that would like to engage in diplomacy with you, the Warrior of Light. You can gain reputation by doing quests for each beast tribe faction, which opens up unique items at their vendors and gives you a window into their diverse worldviews.

But Valentine’s Day is on the way, and let’s face it, only one question really matters: which beast tribe should you date? Luckily, I’ve immersed myself in these unique cultures, analyzed their aesthetic qualities, consulted furries and Lisette de Valentione and interrogated my own unconscious biases to form this rigorous ranking of beast tribe dateability.

Which beast tribe is the least datable? Which beast tribe will offer the most worthy beau? What beastman can battle with the star power of Breath of the Wild’s Prince Sidon, The Shape of Water’s fish man and Falco from Star Fox ? Let’s find out.

5. Sylphs

Sylphs come in dead last for several reasons. First, they are childlike and innocent in nature, which does make them endearing, but not romantically or sexually appealing. Second, they are floating cabbages and there is nothing sexy about cabbage. Third, when you first encounter them you have to dance for every floating cabbage in the entire settlement of Little Solace, which is equal parts hilarious, mortifying and tedious. I’ve still not gotten over it.

While sylphs may not rank high in terms of beau potential, I do like them just fine as friends. They are frail in form but their spirit is strong. Also, their primal is Ramuh, who may actually be the most dateable primal. I feel like we could just have a great conversation, you know?

4. Kobolds

Kobolds have this much over sylphs: they’re not quite as childlike. Instead, they’re childish. The kobolds of the 789th, the lowest ranking kobold work group, are lazy dullards who’d rather die than commit a single act of hard work in their life, allowing themselves to get pushed around by a high-ranking work boss and spend more time bemoaning their fate than trying to change it.

Admittedly, I feel a kinship with this attitude. However, the last thing I need is to double the amount of sluggishness in my life by introducing a kobold of the 789th to it. Higher-ranking kobolds aren’t much better, mind you, since they come with a whole lot of attitude about what superior beings they are. Creatures that look like something you’d find in a sick baby’s diaper shouldn’t be swaggering about like they own the place.

This leads to the most egregious sin of the kobolds: they are hecking ugly, and everything they wear is ugly, and they live in a piss-stained quarry called Iron Lake. Pass!

3. Ixali

The Ixali are ostensibly bird-folk who lost their wings a long time ago. Some Ixal deal with this by repeatedly summoning their insane, cackling primal goddess Garuda. Others, like true artisans, cope by crafting the finest airships to soar as high as their ingenuity will take them. This charming, can-do attitude places the Ixali squarely in the middle of the beast tribe beau pack.

The Ixali aren’t ugly, exactly, but they do have very terrifying teeth inside their beaks and figures kind of like snakes with talons. This puts them above the kobolds, who look like turds, and the sylphs, who look like cabbages. Still, for a people of crafters, they certainly could do a little more to craft themselves a more dashing look. Redolent Rose, these people need you.

2. Sahagin

The Sahagin are fish-people who hisssssss all their wordssssssss. Like Ixali, they have a whip-slender form and terrifying teeth. They have spikes all along their upper, outer thighs and taloned, webbed hands that could take your throat out. If you’re into a little 50 Shades, the Sahagin have got that and then some. Choking? Drowning? Straight-up dying? No problem.

On the plus side, the Sahagin have a gilded, elaborate personal aesthetic which marries well with the elaborate colors of their coral-inspired seaside homes. Culturally speaking, the Sahagin have complicated courtship rituals to determine who gets to father the next generation of fish babies with whom. This means a Sahagin mate is one that’s been proven worthy through combat.

Not only that, all 30 to 100 of these fish babies are raised together in a clutch, so if you’re into big biological families with strong bonds, the Sahagin are your people. But if you don’t want 100 babies, or spike marks in your thighs, maybe move on to our top pick…

1. Amalj’aa

The Amalj’aa are tall (+1), muscular (+1) lizard (??) people with a strong code of honor (+1), a love of fire (+1) and an affinity for metal-working (+1). They don’t care where you’re from and will adopt you into their tribe as long as you demonstrate you have a warrior’s spirit (+1000), and this openness is what puts them at #1 on the list of most dateable beast tribes in Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn. Born a Mi’qote? No problem, if a fighting heart burns in your chest!

Amalj’aa families are forged, not born, so you can expect to be treated with all the ferocious respect an honored warrior such as yourself deserves both in and out of the bedroom. Or, this being the Amalj’aa, sun-baked cave. An Amalj’aa mate may not be your style if you’re a lover, not a fighter, or if you’re susceptible to heatstroke. Nevertheless, the Amalj’aa’s loyalty, strength and acknowledgment that found family is just as valid makes them #1 on the list of A Realm Reborn’s most dateable beast tribes.

So how would you rank the beast tribes of Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn? Feel free to let us know in the comments section below.